Goodbye To Guilt I believe the most important issue that all of us face in our lives is healing relationships. The purpose of this book is to show how relationships can be healed through forgiveness by saying good-bye to guilt and letting go of the fear and blame that keep us separate from each other.
In the context of this book, guilt and fear are closely related and frequently synonymous. Forgiveness means letting go of the past. Unless we forgive others for what we think they have done to us, we will be unable to forgive ourselves and experience peace of mind. For most of my life, without fully recognizing it, I've had expectations that I wanted other people to fulfill. I wanted them to fit into a mold of my making. In a sense, I was saying that the world would be a wonderful place if everyone would just do things my way. If they did things my way, they became my friends, and if they did not measure up to my expectations, I no longer wished to have them around. The way I looked at things, it was always the other person who had to change if our relationship was to be healed—never me. Indeed, it has been quite astonishing for me to learn that it is only my mind that needs healing, and that to heal a relationship, all I have to do is release my guilt and fear from the past through forgiveness. As I began to look at the unhealed relationships in my life and to explore why they did not work, the word seeker came to mind. I believe that most of us can be described as seekers. In my late fifties, as I look back, I realize that my life has been one of intense seeking without knowing what it was I was looking for. At times I sought after such things as
Despite my success in pursuing most of these, I never experienced the happiness they were supposed to bring. It never occurred to me that I had the wrong goal, and that by searching for happiness outside myself, I was looking in the wrong place. I had absolutely no conscious awareness that I was suffering from a self-imposed state of spiritual deprivation, that I was starving myself and suffering from spiritual hunger and thirst. (I recognize now that the condition of spiritual deprivation is not unique to me, and that everyone seeks for something constant and everlasting that can be found wiwthin.) Little did I realize that the love, joy, and peace of mind that I was looking for outside myself were already bountiful within me. They were simply blocked from my awareness by fear. It never occurred to me that I had become afraid of love. Rather, I had convinced myself that I was unworthy of love, unlovable, and destined to be alone and separate. I began to change my way of looking at the world in l975. Until then I had considered myself a militant atheist, and the last thing I was consciously interested in was being on a spiritual pathway that would lead to God. In that year I was introduced to a set of three books, a self-taught course in spiritual transformation, titled A Course in Miracles. My resistance was immediate. I did not like the title, and I found the size and weight (three pounds) of the books both discouraging and threatening. Nevertheless, after reading just one page, I had a sudden and dramatic experience. There was an instantaneous memory of God, a feeling of oneness with everyone in the world, and the belief that my only function on earth was to serve God. Because of my Jewish background, however, I found that as I got into the course, I developed a great deal of resistance to its Christian terminology. Since I had been an atheist for most of my life, the word God was troublesome to me. I protected myself from the fear and anxiety caused by the spiritual terminology by translating it in my own mind to higher state of consciousness. It has been an exciting experience for me at long last to begin to say good-bye to guilt and fear by learning how to apply the principles in A Course in Miracles in very practical ways in every part of my life. One of its basic tenets is that we can experience only two emotions: love, which is our natural inheritance, and fear-guilt, which the ego mind has invented. (In the course, as well as in this book, fear and guilt are regarded as negative twins that feed upon each other. Although both words are used throughout the book, the relationship between guilt and fear is symbiotic: one cannot exist without the other. Guilt reinforces fear, as fear reinforces guilt, in a seemingly endless cycle.) It is the goal of the course, and also of this book, to help us choose which emotion we want to experience.
The three key concepts of this book, and of the course that it is based on, are that relationships can be healed:
Since becoming a traveler on the spiritual pathway in 1975, I am frequently asked to contrast myself now with the person I was then. It is not easy for me to do this without reinforcing the distortions of my ego. However, I would say that although I still get angry, depressed, and have feelings of futility and hopelessness, I do not hang on to these feelings for the interminable periods of times that I used to. I now seem to be able to take responsibilityy more frequently for what I see and experience, and I no longer see value in suffering and pain. The greatest obstacle that I have, and that I suspect most people have when they become more spiritually alive, is that I have a personality-self, an ego, which wants to control, predict, and be in charge. It is an ego that doesn't want to relinquish itself, and that sees peace of God as its enemy and conflict as its friend. Yet I find, more and more, that I am content with just being, rather than interpreting the behavior of myself and others. More and more, the purpose of joining with everyone I meet has become my goal. More and more, I see the importance of being still, of giving all my needs to the voice of love within me, and experiencing the peace and love of God. I am now more willing to choose peace rather than conflict. A Course in Miracles A Course in Miracles is a self-study program for personal and spiritual transformation that emphasizes the necessity of relying on our own internal teacher for guidance rather than looking for teachers outside ourselves. It consists of a text, which sets forth the concepts on which its thought system is based; a workbook for students containing 365 lessons, designed for practical application of the course's principles to daily life; and a manual for teachers written in questions and answer form to clarify terms and issues related to the course.
Once we are caught in the world of the ego, which is the world of perception, it is as though we are imprisoned in a dream. We need help to awaken from this dream since what our senses reveal to us merely reinforces our belief in the reality of the dream. The course stresses that as long as we identify with our ego and believe we are limited by the boundaries of what we perceive in the physical world, we cannot experience our true reality. Until we challenge the reality of our ego, we will continue to go through life more concerned with getting than giving, feeling guilty, separate, and afraid. We will make condemning judgments, blaming ourselves and others. With the ego as our guide, guilt and fear will rule our lives; conflict will never totally disappear, and we can anticipate that our reality will be destroyed by sickness and death. If we are willing to detach from our ego, it is then possible to correct our perceptions. The world of corrected perception is the world of love. It is a world that is seen through the filter of spiritual vision, the vision of love, rather than through the distortions of our ego. Like a cloud obscuring the sun, the guilt and fear that we carry within us block our ability to experience the presence of love, which has never left us. We are all miracles of love, but we are blind to that truth. A miracle can be thought of as a shift of perception that removes the fear and guilt that block our awareness of love's presence, which is our reality. I would like to share with you some quotations from the course that are the underlying themes—heartbeats—of the philosophy expressed in this book.
Ego's Thought System Let us consider the following possibility:
The ego is a symbol of our belief in this separation. While separation from God is clearly impossible, through the eyes of the ego we believe this is true and that God wants to punish us for our guilty deed. The purpose
of the ego's thought system is to hide the memory of God from
our awareness by reinforcing our feelings of guilt and fear.
It can accomplish this only by destroying the reality of love and substituting the illusion of guilt in its place. Since the opposite of love is fear, the ego's existence depends on our continuing belief in the reality of guilt and punishment, and the acceptance of its goals of conflict, war, and death. The ego's attitude toward God is inconsistent. At times it views God as some supernatural, external being beyond our comprehension that loves and rewards us if we are good, and punishes us if we are bad and have sinned. At other times it is ambivalent about whether or not God even exists, and sometimes it rejects the idea of God altogether. I sometimes think that I, and many others, have gone through life feeling guilty for the wrongs I think I have committed, feeling distrustful of myself and others, and wondering in what way I am going to be punished next. Because many of us have had painful life experiences in which we did not think our religious training and belief in God helped, we have ended up turning away from both. The Ego is a Body Identification The ego can be defined as our body/personality or lower self. It is the part of our mind that is split off or separated from our spiritual mind, which contains only God's loving thoughts. This split in our mind can be thought of as illusory; it can be contrasted to our true mind, a mind filled with love that is indivisible.
Its motto is, "Seek but never find what you are looking for." It is preoccupied with condemning judgments, attack and defense thoughts and is a master of deception. Its goal is to control everything and to believe it is right all the time. It expends an enormous amount of energy trying to predict the future based on our past experiences. The ego's world is a pleasure/pain world, and, for most of us, there is more pain than pleasure. It believes that if you don't fear the past and worry about the future, the world will fall apart. Separation is its game; so thinking of yourself first, getting and holding on to what little you can claim as your own, jealousy, possessiveness, and rejection are the core of its existence. Our identity as defined by the ego is limited to the five senses; hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, and tasting. It is based on the interpretation and evaluation of what these senses feed back to our brain. It is a limited identity based on experiences of the past extending into the present and projected into the future. Seen through the eyes of the ego, my identity is my self-concept at any particular point in time, and is dependent on the opinions and judgments other people have about me, as well as the opinions and judgments I have about myself. Conditional Love The ego's thought system is most clearly seen in relationships that we regard as particularly close or special. These special relationships are based on the belief that we lack something in ourselves which only other people can supply, and unless we get it from them, we will be incomplete and unhappy. Such special relationships are necessarily built on guilt and lack of trust. From the ego's viewpoint, other people exist to satisfy our needs, and, therefore, we are unable to see ourselves and others as we really are. This mutual meeting of needs is what the ego calls love. It is important to emphasize that this kind of love is conditional and exclusive. Unlike unconditional love, which is inclusive and based on total acceptance of oneself and others, conditional love is always based on qualifications, reservations, and limitations. Most of what we call love in our lives is conditional love, which is founded on scarcity, on getting and giving to get, and on bargaining and trading. The identifying word in conditional love is "if”—
If the other person gives us what we want, or changes to satisfy our needs, we feel happy. If the person doesn't give us what we want or make the changes we think are necessary, we feel irritated and frustrated. And when our irritations and frustrations intensify, they become anger and hatred. Relationships founded on conditional love are really love/hate relationships. They are based on wanting something from the other person because of a mistaken feeling of scarcity and the belief that the other person has something we lack. In these love/hate relationships pain, fear, and instability are insured because of the feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, and competition that characterize conditional love. Conditional love relationships are exclusive relationships, which shut others out. The purpose of conditional love relationships is to substitute for the inclusive Love of God within us that we have forgotten is there. Ego's Attraction to Guilt The ego's attraction to guilt cannot be fully understood unless we first discuss the nature of perception. For it is how we see the world around us that determines how we react to it. And it is our perceptions that tell us what we see, based on the interpretations and evaluations of what our senses report to us. Each of us sees the world differently, depending on our individual needs, wishes, past experiences, and present beliefs. While we may think of our perceptions as photographs of things outside ourselves taken by a camera, they are really projections of thoughts that originate in our own minds. Since we always look in before we look out, what we see is our own state of mind reflected outward. That perception is a choice (even though we may not be aware of making it) and not a fact is clearly demonstrated by the various interpretations people give of everyday events in their lives. If ten people witness an accident, for instance, it would be unusual for any two of them to agree on the details of how it occurred. Thus, what we may believe to be the truth is simply our own interpretations and evaluations of what we perceive. Many of the difficulties and disagreements we have with other people are based on the highly individualized nature of our perceptions. Guilt Guilt is the feeling of self-condemnation that we experience after we do something we think is wrong. It is impossible to experience feelings of guilt without also anticipating punishment of ourselves or, when the guilt is projected, the punishment of others. Although we may not be consciously aware of it, the underlying source of our basic guilt is always the belief that we have "sinned," (changed our real identity of love), and the fear that God will attack and punish us for our unworthiness. Guilt and fear cannot coexist with love. When we hold onto these negative feelings, we are prevented from experiencing the peace and presence of God/Love within us. It is a psychological fact that if we hold on to guilt, we will attempt to handle it either by attacking ourselves (frequently expressed as symptoms of depression or physical illness), or projecting the guilt onto someone else. The ego tries to conceal from us that when we take responsibility for our mistakes, they no longer call for guilt and punishment, but rather for release through correction.
The other person has a choice of catching it and holding on to it, or throwing it back. More often than not, the other person throws it back, and this is the way the game of "who is guilty and who is innocent" is played. The only way both parties can win is to stop playing the game. |
Goodbye To Guilt by Jerry Jampolsky, M.D. As I look back, I realize that my life has been one of intense seeking without knowing what it was I was looking for. At times I sought after such things as health, self-esteem, money, material possessions, prestige, social status, professional recognition, security for the future, and friends I could trust and love. Despite my success in pursuing most of these, I never experienced the happiness they were supposed to bring. It never occurred to me that I had the wrong goal, and that by searching for happiness outside myself, I was looking in the wrong place. Little did I realize that the love, joy, and peace of mind that I was looking for outside myself were already bountiful within me. I had absolutely no conscious awareness that I was suffering from a self-imposed state of spiritual deprivation, that I was starving myself and suffering from spiritual hunger and thirst. I began to change my way of looking at the world in l975. Until then I had considered myself a militant atheist, and the last thing I was consciously interested in was being on a spiritual pathway that would lead to God. In that year I was introduced to a set of three books, a self-taught course in spiritual transformation, titled A Course in Miracles. Related Excerpts: Decision-Making We cannot live in the world without making decisions, and in order to do so, we must listen and be directed by one of two voices; the
voice of the ego, which speaks for our changeable
perceptions, or
the
voice of Love or God.
Our ego mind has a continuum of mental pictures based on our past perceptions of guilt and fear that determines what we think we want in the present. To survive, the ego tells us we must look for guilt in others or in ourselves, and this preoccupation with who is guilty and who is innocent becomes the basis for our decision-making. The continuous search for guilt as a basis for making decisions leaves us feeling more and more fearful and devoid of love. Projection When we perceive others through the eyes of guilt, we are likely to engage in projection. Projection is the mechanism by which we deny responsibility for and externalize a thought or feeling we are experiencing— such as guilt—by holding someone else responsible for it. This someone else can be our spouse, business partner, parent, child, or anyone who seems to play a role in our lives. We believe if only they would behave differently, then we would not experience the difficulties we are having. Projecting our problems onto others never solves the problem; it simply recycles the guilt. Forgiveness The ego looks on forgiveness with a split mind; it counsels us to forgive but don't forget. It is really a double message that says, "Don't forgive completely; don't forget the past or you will be vulnerable." Lack of forgiveness is the heartbeat of the ego. It continues to justify making condemning judgments since its survival depends on believing in the reality of guilt rather than forgiveness. The ego would have us practice pseudo-forgiveness. In effect, it says, "I can forgive you because I am superior to you. Therefore, I will sit on my anger and repress it, rather than be consciously aware of my desire to kill you, which is what you really deserve." This pseudo-forgiveness only reinforces guilt because it is a double message that continues to emphasize the unhealed separation between the innocent and the guilty. God's Thought System On the surface level of my ego I still hear the chatter of doubts and uncertainties in my ears, but in the depth of my heart I know that God's love is the answer to all problems. When I permit myself to experience God's love, and give His unconditional love away to others, I am sane and at peace. When I experience fear, I am insane, riddled with doubts, uncertainties, and worries; and I feel unloved and unloving. After seeking and searching in many different directions and places, it is exhilarating finally to know what my goal is and how to reach it. I stumble; sometimes I fall down; and sometimes it looks as though I am going backwards, but I know that I can no longer retreat. Although my spiritual practice is far from consistent, I know that God is directing my life, and that the peace of God is my goal. When I give in to the temptation to make condemning judgments, my peace of mind disappears. When I am able to resist the temptation to judge others, I can see them as teachers of forgiveness in my life, reminding me that I can have peace of mind only when I forgive rather than judge. Love shows the way to trust and faith that God's love will dissolve all of our difficulties and misunderstandings. To live in love is to be an eternal optimist. It is to believe that there are no accidents, no coincidences, and everything that happens to us is according to God's plan and provides a lesson that He would have us learn. Let us think for a moment what it would be like if we could constantly have total trust and faith in God's love (our real Identity). I think the answer defies our wildest imagination. But somehow I think it would be a state of mind in which we would never worry or feel depressed, angry, fearful, or guilty. Instead we would experience peace, love, and joy all of the time. It is amazing to me how many people there are who do not remember having even one instant of peace and joy in their lives, but all of us can imagine having that experience for just one second. When we choose to accept the thought system of God/love and apply it in our lives, we are asked only to do this for one moment, the present instant of now. Giving total and complete love for one second allows us to feel a wholeness and oneness with no sense of separation from others. In that moment of limitless loving and giving, we lose the awareness of our body-self. In remembering God and feeling the presence of His love, this one second becomes a holy instant—a brief glimpse into eternity. What is Unconditional Love? In all of our relationships, everyone we meet gives us an opportunity to experience a holy instant—one moment when we can join together with no sense of separation, blaming, or judging—that is unconditional love. This kind of love can only be experienced when we are giving it away and feeling joined in oneness with others. The following statements attempt to summarize what unconditional love is all about: It is giving our love totally to everyone, excluding no one. It is loving and giving without expectations, or wanting to get love or anything else in return. It is total acceptance of another person with no desire to change that person in any way. It is seeing only the light of love in everyone. How is Unconditional Love Accomplished? By letting go of all our guilt and not projecting guilt onto others. By forgiving and letting go of the past, staying in the present and living in the joy of now. By not making demands on anyone. By resisting the temptation to judge. By giving all of our needs, wants, desires, and feelings of scarcity to our inner teacher, and letting the voice of love transform them. By making each moment an opportunity for offering forgiveness; and for seeing everyone as our teacher of forgiveness--thus giving ourselves the opportunity to practice and learn the benefits of forgiveness. By recognizing that when we know our real Identity of love, we have no need except to extend that love endlessly. The Effects of Guilt A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a close friend that replayed for me some unpleasant moments of guilt from my past. For the next twenty-four hours, I was so overwhelmed and paralyzed by these guilty memories that I felt as though I were under the influence of drugs. The effects of guilt are, indeed, like taking too many sleeping pills or painkillers, or having too much alchohol or sun. I felt as though my brain and body were immobilized, and I was locked in a vise or confined in a prison cell with no hope of escape. Holding on to guilt is guaranteed to:
It is not an exaggeration to see guilt as a self-made poison, which we administer to ourselves frequently. It is the most effective tool the ego has for insuring that we will remain hopelessly bound to our past and therefore not recognize each opportunity the present offers us for our release. There is only one known antidote for guilt: complete forgiveness, starting with ourself and extending to everyone who shares the world with us.
|
|
